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Bench Review #8 – Shettleston Juniors

My next (and possibly final) review comes from that famous 17/18 Largs Thistle promotion push – a successful one which I played a pivotal role in. We went on an unstoppable run at the end of the season where we in fact lost zero league games when I was in the match day squad – a record which still stands. Our penultimate game in the run came at Shettleston, a team I only knew as my old PE teacher (and man who laughed when I first told him I was playing junior football) used to play for. Who’s laughing now Reon? This eventful game saw Jamie Campbell sent of for shouting “Flip off!” (or words to that effect) near the referee and a bunch of children trying to steal the ball from myself and Kevin Struthers in an intense half-time game of piggy in the middle.

View = 7/10

A real edge of the seat encounter – not due to the nature of the match but because that’s where I had to sit to see the left side of the pitch! This was the only blindspot however.

Warmth = 9/10

This really has to be put into perspective. It was well hot – almost too hot. In the midst of a heatwave the sun was shining and the tan was getting topped up – wonderful day for it.

Size = 4/10

Very tight squeeze for a squad with the sheer quality in depth that we have – proved of course by the subs we had that day.

Comfort = 3/10

This wooden seat malarky really grinds my gears. If every bench was padded like Lugar the world would be a better place.

Overall = 6/10

A poor score considering the excellent weather provided on the day. Driving to this away game was my first experience on the motorway and I’ll certainly not be back in a hurry.

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Bench Review #7 – Kello Rovers

Now I have undergone some turbulent times in my short experience as a bench warmer. This gave me my inspiration for this review. Saltcoats Victoria was a real rollercoaster ride when I was there – which was sad to see happen to a club close to my heart as my hometown team. To further this my kind-of distant uncle Raymond Montgomerie was the chairman – fair to say the club runs deep into the family. The game in question here just as we changed manager, moving from the Derek Frye to Tam McClelland era.

View = 7/10

New beginnings but old habits die hard. Three subs – the manager himself, his mates son and of course yours truly. I did however have a decent view of a thrilling loss in the pouring rain in an absolute mire of a pitch. Intriguing stuff.

Warmth = 1/10

As I said it was absolutely pouring and what little structure there was provided next to nothing in terms of protection. Only compounded my misery. Roof leakier than our defence also.

Size = 1/10

There was only two of us sitting down and even at that me and my man Cammy were pretty cosy. If I didn’t know him it would have been highly awkward – score reflects this.

Comfort = 3/10

I won’t bore you with all the finer details but the crux of it is covered by three words that have recurred all too often – flimsy, wooden bench.

Overall = 3/10

A dreadful bench in what was truly a dreadful game. Pitch was a joke and of course I remained an unused sub. At least Cammy never got sent on either – I like a good bench pal.

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Bench Review #6 – Irvine Meadow XI

So I’ve looked at a real plethora of benches at this stage, but very few from a high level. This brings me to the one big game bench of my career – last season’s Ayrshire Cup final at Meadow Park (the game itself however, was vs Kilwinning Rangers). The competition has been abolished for the current season so for the time being I was actually part of the last ever Ayrshire Cup final.

View = 8/10

As many of you are well aware at this point I am VERY against an off centre bench – but this one just worked. Far enough back from the playing surface that the view to any right hand side was not obscured – positive start.

Warmth = 4/10

Excellent protection from on side due to the massive stand behind the dugout – from the other three sides however, absolutely zilch. Would have been absolutely freezing if it were not for the freak heat wave we were experiencing at the time of the match.

Size = 4/10

As you can clearly see from the feature photo I am not sitting down in the structure. Why? Because it was tiny – made me feel claustrophobic. Could certainly tell we were put in the away dugout – did not feel at home whatsoever.

Comfort = 3/10

How the mighty have fallen from that promising view rating. The seat was flimsy and wooden (AGAIN GRRR) and I was surrounded by cobwebs which made me far from comfortable – despite looking and being hard I absolutely detest spiders. Sort it out meadow.

Overall = 5/10

Was absolutely gutted after the game. A wonderful run to the final for such a dreadful bench at what was supposed to be the best ground Ayrshire had to offer. Oh, and we lost the match 1-0 having a last minute goal ruled out. Only positive was the topped up tan.

A picture of my medal along myself proudly showing it off.
Further proof (if any was needed) that I am in fact a proud Ayrshire Cup runner-up who is the sole reason their team progressed so far in the competition.
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Bench Review #5 – Lugar Boswell Thistle

After that last review I think I really need a cool down. So we go from one end of the scale to the other and believe it or not that takes us to the middle of nowhere – or Lugar as it’s better known.

View = 7/10

Not the greatest of starts. My pet hate is an off centre bench and yet again Lugar Boswell Thistle have decided that the centre circle is not the best place for a bench. One of the only flaws I could pick from an otherwise superb effort.

Warmth = 9/10

Superb. For some reason the middle of nowhere has a lot of trees and hills and these provide excellent shelter from the elements. Nice, snug and warm – ready to go if needed – imagine actually being needed though.

Masses of trees surrounding the Lugar playing surface.
A beautiful shot of the trees which provided excellent wind protection.

Size = 8/10

Impressive yet again. Plenty room for all the subs and some kit. However, how many subs actually turn up to a game in the land of Lugar may throw this perception slightly off.

Comfort = 10/10

Now this is what really won me over. A padded, yes PADDED, seat. A nice cushion on top of the classic wooden seat. If ever a bench could reduce me to tears of happiness, this would be it.

Overall = 9/10

Honestly if you ever have the opportunity to drive through to Lugar to sit on their bench take it up! A team even Saltcoats Victoria beat 9-0 and yet they put so much effort into beautiful bench for us substitutes to enjoy – Lugar I salute you.

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Bench Review #4 -Whitletts Victoria

A distant view of me not enjoying the Whitletts bench.

As a true bench warmer one of the questions I am always asked is the what the worst bench I have experienced is. To pick just one would be hard but step forward my first contender here – Whitletts Victoria.

View = 10/10

Yes, a bad review that starts with full marks. Sometimes these categories can be rather misleading and some things I wouldn’t sacrifice for a better view. No obstruction to my view any way – the reason for this will be revealed in due course.

Warmth = 0/10

From one end of the scale to another. This was literally a ruddy plastic chair at the side of the park. A flipping farce for a football club at this level. My blood is boiling at the sheer memory of this ordeal. No shelter yet the home team were afforded a cosy little dugout. Bloody freezing!

Size = 10/10

Yet again a contrasting rating, but I suppose no structure means no limitations and unlimited space so technically full marks. However, is this a sacrifice worth making? I’ll be honest – no it’s not.

Comfort = 0/10

And we’re back to the opposite end of the scale. No wonder either. A plastic chair! What do they take me for? This is the lowest level of junior football! Not bloody amateur. I’ve sat on these types of chair all through my time at Ardrossan Academy and never would I describe them as a comfortable.

Overall = 0/10

I’m not going to average this one out and give a nice neutral 5/10 – because it doesn’t deserve it. This wasn’t a bench – it was a farce. A dark day for me and everyone else on the bench that day. I love my role, but it’s times like this I began to question if it was really worth it.

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Bench Reviews #3 – Saltcoats Victoria

Now this really does bring the good old memories back – where the true identity of bench warmer was formed. I started my first game in a shock win against Irvine Meadow and that was my second last venture onto the land of the starting team so trust me – I know this bench well.

View = 4/10

Bench is well off centre and this causes so many unnecessary problems. The view to my right hand side is completely redundant however, to my left is perfect. I suppose something is better than nothing hence why this still picks up some marks.

Warmth =1/10

Saltcoats is VERY windy. Right by the coast and the adjacent train track is infamous for being on the news whenever the weather gets rough. The sandy pitch means games are rarely off either – so I’ve suffered some pretty brutal conditions.

Size = 2/10

Very small, the substitute were often sparse and we still filled the structure. Also lacks depth – roof barely covers the bench which should just be expected. Poor show.

Comfort = 1/10

There really is nothing that could save this bench. Wooden seating, often cobwebs, seat often wet and the piece de resistance is the burnt interior cause by a group of youths who decided the bench would be a good home for their fire. Not their first time doing something like this either.

Overall = 2/10

To think I had to endure this for a season of my illustrious career. I will look back from far superior benches in the future and laugh about my time on this substitutes nightmare. Although if you think this is as bad as it got – think again.

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Bench Review #2 -Ardeer Thistle

Back where it all began – the first club to give me an opportunity to warm a bench. More famous for their recent 18-0 drubbing at the hands of Lesmahagow– to me they mean so much more. A commonly forgotten club of mine – as I was only ever a trialist. Largs don’t even acknowledge them as a previous club of mine.

Me joining the action as I make my junior debut.
A rare foray onto the park in my one and only appearance for Ardeer as a 70th minute substitute. I conceded one and did not touch the ball.

View = 8/10

This is a famously wide park for a club of reasonably small stature – so that really enhances the viewing possibilities. There is also quite a gap between the bench and touchline increasing peripheral viewing. However due to slightly off centre location the corner to my right hand side wasn’t fully in view. Great start though.

Warmth = 5/10

Thankfully this is based on my experiences in the home dugout and not the away or this would be a two at best. Bench is well sheltered by other influences such as the stand and clubhouse – structure itself provides little however – hence the lowly mark.

Size = 1/10

I’m not one to dwell on one bad experience however this bench REALLY lacks height for a tall person like myself. I was warned before my first game and avoided a head bang at half-time however, when I stood up at full time this had escaped my mind and I rattled my head off the roof – stingy. Width not big enough for full compliment of subs either – poor effort.

Comfort = 4/10

Standard at this level. Wooden – yet again – and I really do not like this. Yet again a numb bottom is inevitable. Wood is strong and thick however, so brings improvement from Largs.

Overall = 4/10

This could have been a five if not perhaps for my traumatic experience. Standard at the old district league effort – but do not fall for the trap that all junior football benches are the same!

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Bench Review #1 – Largs Thistle

Well as they say in the Wizard of Oz “There’s no place like home” and that’s exactly where I will be starting my reviews – my current side Largs Thistle.

View = 5/10

If I’m honest a five is  generous, the view from dead centre of the seating is the only real saving grace. Sitting anywhere near the edges of this bench you’re so far back that the adjacent corner is as well not being there for all you can see of it. I quite frequently find myself standing up and almost amongst the fans – I suppose I really am just a glorified fan anyway for all the time I’ve actually played.

Warmth = 4/10

I’m a warm man but maintaining that in the seaside town of Largs is an issue. The wind is cold, prevalent  and despite the seating being well back in the structure, provides little in the way of protection from the elements. Gains marks since it’s a tight squeeze and team-mates can be a good source of warmth.

Size = 7/10

All subs fit in with minimal room left over however, that’s nothing to turn your nose up at. Seating is also raised well up which allows plenty room for spare kit – not much to it but sometimes the less that is said the better.

Comfort = 2/10

Thin, wooden and flimsy – I’m a big lad and if I’m in the middle I feel the full structural integrity is at risk! Wood is just never a pleasant seat – sore bottom guaranteed – yet another reason I find myself standing up – depth of the seating is the only reason this gains marks at all.

Overall = 5/10

Bang average at best but as you’ll learn bang average can often feel like the Bernabeu. However, there certainly is many places like home, on this occasion Dorothy – we’ll agree to disagree.

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